Temperature is very important to them. Overheating is a big no no. They can often be seen stripping down mid route, to reveal a torso only winter sun, beer and E9 headpoints could chisel. That’s right ladies. But whilst our man requires the perfect conditions, and only the perfect conditions for climbing, they are immune to the sun when off the rock - ‘It’s only sunburn’.
They do not participate in training. They do not need strength to get up routes, nor cunning technique (or sticky shoes for that matter). They simply need a potential burn off from a weaker, lesser climber in the eye of them. Fortunately there are many climbers around less of a man than they, so they are in fact rarely burnt off.
Too them nutrition is of paramount importance. If you think Barrows and his disciples have weird eating habits, you haven’t seen them eat 4 bowls of cereal in the morning. Rumour has it that they were once sent home from school after they passed out. The cause? An overdose of Weetabix the morning of the incident. Weetabix is still their favourite soggy morning snack, but they aren’t allowed sugar anymore.
Beta alert. They have a memory like a silverback gorilla, although since they started uni there has been a negative correlation between nights out and moves remembered. If they ever say they onsighted something don’t believe them. They once watched a climber on Lord of the Flies from Dinas Mot and had the cheek to claim an onsight the following day. On the other side of the coin they come in incredibly useful when you forget your sequence mid redpoint, but then they won’t shut up for the rest of the route.
It’s impossible or piss with them. They has never climbed anything hard, in their opinion. If they have done it - it’s ‘alright’, and everyone else will ‘piss up it’. You are a shit bastard, but not that shit. They once burnt me off on my birthday; we were climbing above a brick wall on smears and shit like that. ‘It’s alright, you just have to commit’ they said. It was their present, so I accepted.
If your motivation is based on self-abuse, then they are the motivational speaker for you. He truly redefines ‘having a word’ with yourself. Some favourites include:
“No! No you don’t do that!”
“I warmed up on this last time”
“Yeah, well I’m not on the German climbing team”
I do like climbing with him though, honest.
- Oli Grounsell